How to Tell Your Children You Have HIV or AIDS
Along with the many challenges a parent with HIV or AIDS faces, there's also the issue of what to tell your kids. For some parents, the decision is an easy one, it's how to "disclose" that is the problem. Others are unsure whether they should even disclose or not. Should kids be told about their parents' HIV? The answer depends largely on what you feel is best for your family.
Should Parents Tell Their Children?
For many, HIV and AIDS can create a family crisis. Early on in the epidemic, the family structure was disrupted when children outlived their parents, who were dying early at the hands of HIV. Today, though, with near-normal lifespans that is less of an issue. Yet parents still struggle with disclosure.
When Should You Talk With Them?
Finding the right time to tell your children about your HIV is not easy. There probably isn't a perfect time. You can wait until you feel ready but you probably should not wait too long. Children are intelligent and can tell when something isn't right. It won't take them long to put together clues of your illness, such as medication bottles and trips to the doctor. These mysterious clues in and of themselves can be stressful, so try to talk to your children soon.
How Will Your Child Take the News?
Reaction to the news of your diagnosis can vary. Kids may or may not ask about your health after being told of your illness. More likely they will express concern on how your diagnosis will affect them. Don't take this personally, it is the nature of kids. They will wonder if they can "catch" HIV from you or will wonder what will happen to them if something happens to you. Once their risk has been addressed they will begin to express concern about your well-being. They may ask how you got infected or if you are going to die soon.
Will Your Diagnosis Stigmatize Your Children?
As parents prepare to disclose to their children, one of the biggest concerns is whether the parent's diagnosis will stigmatize their children. We've all heard the expression "kids can be cruel." Parents worry that if their HIV diagnosis becomes common knowledge it will be their children that feel the repercussions. Will the kids be teased or made fun of? Will they lose friends? Will they say hurtful things about you the parent? Simply put, will disclosing your diagnosis make your child's life more difficult?
How Will Your Relationship With Your Children Change?
Will disclosure change the relationship you share with their kids. While not all relationships change, some do, if only temporarily. Some kids will become clingy, fearing that if they leave their parent's side something bad will happen. Some children no longer want to go to school; they don't want to be separated from their parents. Some kids get sad or cry; others become afraid and anxious regarding their parents' health. Some kids get mad at the parents. If your children weren't the first people you told, your kids could feel hurt, not understanding why you didn't tell them but told others. Finally, some kids turn to drugs, alcohol or sex to find an outlet for the feelings they have about your diagnosis. The kids sometimes grow distant and rebellious in an act of anger or fear.
Can Your Kids Keep a Secret?
Confidentiality is a huge concern of those people living with HIV. And much of their concern regarding disclosure is that the risk of breaching their confidentiality is increased with every person they tell about their HIV. So the question often arises: If you disclose your HIV status to your kids, can they keep your secret? Are your kids old enough to understand the importance of confidentiality? If not and you feel they won't be able to keep your secret, you may want to delay telling them about your HIV until you feel they will understand the need to keep your diagnosis to themselves.
